Doubleheader

by Dan Bern

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credits

released 04 July 2012

Produced by Adam Busch, Jordan Katz and Dan Bern
Recorded by Rick Vargas and Brad Dollar at TRI Studios in San Rafael, CA
Mixed by Brad Dollar at TRI
Mastered by Mark Chalecki at Little Red Book Mastering

Except:
“Merkle” produced, recorded and mixed by David Ogilvy
“Lou Gehrig’s Disease” recorded and mixed by Jordan Katz
“The Year-by-Year HR Totals of Barry Bonds” recorded by Dan Bern
“Joyce and Gallarraga” recorded live at the City Winery, NYC, by Brian Speiser

All songs by Dan Bern (Kababa/ASCAP)
Except “When My Buckner Moment Comes” --Dan Bern/ Eric Kufs (Kababa/ASCAP--Common Rotation Publishing BMI)

The Doubleheader band:

Dan Bern—guitar and vocals
Adam Busch—harmonica, drums, autoharp, saxophone, glockenspiel, vocals
Jordan Katz—trumpet, trombone, flugelhorn, banjo, electric banjo, vocals
Eric Kufs—dobro, guitar, vocals
Jon Flaugher—upright and electric bass
Bill Titus—electric guitar
Julie Wolf—piano, organ, accordion, glockenspiel, vocals

Mark Beltzman—tuba on “Lou Gehrig’s Disease”
Marc Friedman, bass; Logan Grime, drums; Bryan Bers, Ana Dunham, Marcos Rebollido, vocals-- on “Merkle”
David Berkeley, vocals-- on "McCovey Cove"


Art Direction: Liz Ciganovich
Graphic Design: Mark Tapio Kines
Sketches: Dan Bern


Very Special Thanks:
TRI Studios
Bob Weir
Chris McCutcheon
Matt Busch
David Ogilvy
Jeff Campbell
Hungry for Music
John Huber
Evan Stone
David Margulies
Judy Tint
Miki Walsh
David Berman

Common Rotation is Adam Busch, Jordan Katz, Eric Kufs

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Track Name: Ballpark
One late night in Chicago I break into Wrigley Field
It’s early spring the season isn’t starting for a week
It’s a little after midnight I bin playing down the street
At an open mic at a little bar, just under the L tracks
I’d noticed for a couple weeks they bin doin’ some work on the ballpark
They got scaffolding up
I climb in

I go check out the bat rack and I straighten out my hat
Sit down on the bench where Fergie Jenkins sat
Walk slowly to the mound, where I stretch and then I glide
Fire a couple high and tight and then strike out the side
I step to the plate, take a couple low, swing with all my might, watch it go
Over the wall

Tonight I got the ballpark
Tonight I got the ballpark
Tonight I got the ballpark
All to myself

I run in the outfield grass like Moe, Curly and Larry
Announce a couple innings from the press box just me--
And Harry Caray

I make a leaping catch against the ivy-covered wall
The early season ivy is a cushion to my fall
I trot in from the warning track, my cap it tips the crowd
Float across the infield, it’s really getting loud
I race toward third, turn on a dime, dig for home, headfirst slide
Sandberg in his prime

Tonight I got the ballpark
Tonight I got the ballpark
Tonight I got the ballpark
All to myself
Track Name: The Golden Voice of Vin Scully
Tonight I feel so far away, so far away from you
What did you do tonight
I'm drivin my truck up and down the coast
From north of Seattle to the Mexico line
Right now, I'm in San Bernardino
All day long it was 95 degrees
But at least tonight I get to hear
The golden voice of Vin Scully

I've been stuck in this goin’ no place desk job
For too many months, it's time to move on
If I quit and just tried to do my paintings
I wonder if I could come up with the rent
I still root for the Yankees back east
Never did take to these local teams
But at least tonight I get to hear
The golden voice of Vin Scully

Ooh, I do my share, I knock about
Ooh, is anything gonna work out

Sometimes I'm almost out of range, I head south of the valley
And pick up the game
Pull off the road, step out of the van
Lean against the hood still hot from the drive
Trees fade out in the black of the night
Some days it don’t hardly seem worth the fight
But at least tonight I get to hear
The golden voice of Vin Scully
Track Name: Five-Nothing Lead
The moon is hanging low
The leaves are on the ground
This winter will be long and cold
I do believe the birds have even stopped singing
The Giants lost the World Series

I do admit I worry
‘bout the great Barry Bonds
How will he feel with no ring
on his finger?
He's basically Mays and Ruth rolled into one
But how will he feel with no ring?
Mays got his early
Aaron got one too
Banks never did
But you expect that with the Cubs.
And of course everybody whoever played for the Yanks
Has rings on their fingers and toes.

A five-nothing lead with nine outs to go
Get six more outs somehow
And then Nen for the save
I'll carry the thought of a five-nothing lead
With nine outs to go, to my grave.

I was in England,
Far far away,
I stayed up til five
Suffering alone
And when it was over,
I even thought maybe
The result might be different in America.

Dusty, oh Dusty,
Why'd you pull Ortiz?
Why'd you pull Rodriguez?
Why'd you pull Worrell?
I rubbed my eyes and tried to understand
How Nen was on the mound with no outs in the eighth.

A five-nothing lead...

And now it seems the team is falling apart,
Dusty is gone to the Cubs (good luck Dusty!)
Kent's gone, Ortiz is gone,
Bell's gone, Sanders too,
I guess they were just Giants for a while

The moon is hanging low, the leaves are on the ground,
This winter will be long and cold.
I do believe the birds have even stopped singing.
The Giants lost the World Series

A five-nothing lead with nine outs to go
Get six more outs somehow
And then Nen for the save
I'll carry the thought of a five-nothing lead
With nine outs to go, to my grave
Track Name: This Side of the White Lines
If his knees hadn't got sick
He'd have made the big leagues, like his hero, the Mick
He wore number seven on his back, like the Mick
But his knees got sick
So he had to quit

He had the quickness, he had the size
He could hit a ball further than Johnny Mize
He was blond on top
But his knees went pop
So he had to stop
Had to give it up

(chorus)
If you get thrown out of the game and get sent on your way
You can come back the very next day
After having, having had your say
But that's on a field of nine
Which is not ruled by time
And it don't work out so fine
On this side of the white lines
On this side of the white lines

If his Dad hadn't got sick
They'd have argued nights over their World Series picks
Who's better than the Yanks
Who's better than the Mick
He was tough as a brick
But he still got sick

They were close as a father and son could be
Close as the surgeon is to the knee
He waited for his Dad to make his climb
But he wasn't gonna get better, not this time

(chorus)

He plays softball now when he's got the time
When he ain't too beat, and the knees feel fine
He ain't forgot how to swing that stick
And he says to himself, “just like the Mick”
Ty Cobb never got to face Dizzy Dean
Joe Jackson's best was never seen
He held a private funeral mass
All alone in the park by the outfield grass

(chorus)
Track Name: Seven Miles An Hour
Evan throws the hard ball for his high school club
83 miles an hour on the radar gun
His coach says get it up to 90, kid, in a year or two,
And scouts from the major leagues will come looking for you

And it's seven miles an hour, seven miles an hour
Seven miles an hour from easy street
Seven miles an hour, seven miles an hour
Seven miles an hour from easy street

His Mama says, playing ball is too uncertain, son.
Go to college, get an education like we done
His Dad says son, the junkyard is littered with the arms
Of high school pitchers who threw 83 down on the farm

And it's seven miles an hour, seven miles an hour
Seven miles an hour from easy street

I remember when they came looking at Jenkins
I thought for sure he'd get in
But Jenkins never had what this kid has
You can tell by the way he holds his chin

And it's seven miles an hour, seven miles an hour
Seven miles an hour from easy street
Seven miles an hour, seven miles an hour
Seven miles an hour from easy street
Track Name: Johnny Sylvester Comes Back to Visit The Babe
He looked like an apparition
Like a ghost without the sheet
But his eyes burned like a stove pipe
As he limped along the street

He walked by me slow but firmly
Knew he wouldn't stop to chat
But I thought that I might help him
He shook his head and touched his hat

He said I've come to see The Babe
They say Babe Ruth is dyin'
I've come to lift his spirits
Just like he once lifted mine
I can't promise any homers
I'm no Sultan of Swat
But I'll be up there swingin'
With everything I got

Years ago I lay in bed
My life hung like a rope
My sickly frame was wracked with pain
They said there was no hope

But the big guy would have none of that
He just sneered at tragedy
He hit four home runs that Series
And every one for me

Thanks to those arcing wallops
My wretched body healed
Thanks to the greatest player
That ever took the field

And as he stood above me
My eyes alert but dim
I never thought that someday
I'd be staring down at him

And I've come to see The Babe
They say Babe Ruth is dyin'
I've come to lift his spirits
Just like he once lifted mine
I can't promise any homers
I'm no Sultan of Swat
But I'll be up there swingin'
With everything I got

Before there was Paul Bunyan
Before old Honest Abe
Before there was John Henry
There always was The Babe
He took a hundred million spirits
And said dare to be a land
He took one dying child
And said stand up and be a man

And I've come to see The Babe
They say Babe Ruth is dyin'
I've come to lift his spirits
Just like he once lifted mine
I can't promise any homers
I'm no Sultan of Swat
But I'll be up there swingin'
With everything I got
Track Name: Gamblin' With My Love (Pete Rose)
Well, I was writing a play
About Pete Rose and Bart Giamatti
It takes place in a Motel 6
Just outside of Cincinnati
There's a table and a bottle of whiskey
They're drinking but they light a cigarette first
Pete Rose looks terrible
Giamatti looks worse

Giamatti says Pete, be straight with me
Have you been gambling on games?
Pete says Commissioner
Where I come from, we bet on everything
Commissioner says
Let's get to the point, Pete
Did you ever bet on your own team?
I’m not sure what Pete's gonna reply
But I think I'll have the telephone ring
It's gonna be Shoeless Joe Jackson
Calling from Tangiers
He says Commissioner, if you don't throw him out
What have I been doing all these years
Bagging groceries and painting houses
Having to beg and steal and rob
Pete tries to grab the receiver, says
I could tell you stuff about Ty Cobb

Then I hear a knocking
A knocking at my door
It's my sweet baby
And I open up
And she crawls in on the floor
Says put down your paper and pen, boy
That can wait another day
I say what's wrong?
She grabs my leg and says
All I’ve got to say is

Are you gambling with my love
Are you saying you don't care
Are you gambling with my love
While you sit there in that chair
Are you gonna gamble
Are you gonna gamble
Gambling with my love

I say girl, I got backers
I’ve got money people waiting for this stuff
I’ve got a theatre off-Broadway convinced
One act ain't gonna be enough
I said I’m starting to roll with this dialogue
I’m getting inside Pete Rose's head
I say he can taste the Hall of Fame
She says don't you want to taste me instead?

I say girl, do you understand how with four thousand hits
A man could still feel emptiness?
And I have Pete say Commissioner, what you got in your hand?
And he says can't you guess?
Pete says if I was a betting man
I'd say you were trying to bluff me to my face
Commissioner says too bad you ain't as good playing the odds
As you are playing second base

Ooh, gambling with my love

So she says well, what does Mrs. Rose have to say about all this?
I say I don't know, I haven't thought about Mrs. Rose
And I lean over and give my baby a kiss
She says you've got two guys in a hotel room
No other characters, no special effects?
I say there's plenty of drama there
She says three acts, no sex
She says there is a Mrs. Rose, though, yeah?
I say yeah, there is, I suppose
She says what's their chemistry?
What are her specifics?
Does she have a wig?
Does she wear support hose?

I say baby, you're wearing me out
I need a break
What do you say we turn down the bed
She looks at me
She rolls her eyes
Grabs my pen and says

Are you gambling with my love
Are you saying you don't care
Are you gambling with my love
While you sit there in that chair
Are you gonna gamble
Are you gonna gamble
Gambling with my love

So now it goes like this
Pete Rose and Giamatti in a hotel room
Mrs. Rose bursts in and says
Damn it, Pete, I carried your children in my womb
She says Mr. Giamatti, you need this man
As much as he needs you
She says judge not lest ye be judged
Turns to Pete and says

Are you gambling with my love
Are you saying you don't care
Are you gambling with my love
While you sit there in that chair
Are you gonna gamble
Are you gonna gamble
Gambling with my love
Track Name: Merkle
Sometimes I think about it when I’m all alone
When I’m walking ‘round home and it’s late at night
And I don’t feel right and I just can’t sleep
And I can’t keep the dark from pourin’ out

It was a gray afternoon at the Polo Grounds
Merkle should have touched second base
Tie game, two outs, bottom of the ninth
Merkle should have touched second base
Cubs in the field and the Giants at the plate
Merkle should have touched second base
A Giant on third and Merkle on first
Merkle should have touched second base

Gotta go the whole way, make it a sure thing
Don’t leave, don’t leave nothing to chance

The Giant at the plate hits a single up the middle
Merkle should have touched second base
The Giant on third brings the winning run home
Merkle should have touched second base
Merkle on first starts trotting up to second
Merkle should have touched second base
He pulls up short and he runs off the field
Merkle should have touched second base

Gotta go the whole way, make it a sure thing
Don’t leave, don’t leave nothing to chance

Frank Chance was the peerless leader of the Cubs
Merkle should have touched second base
He calls for the ball and he steps on the bag
Merkle should have touched second base
The ump yells yer out! and he takes the run away
Merkle should have touched second base
Extra innings, Chicago wins
Merkle should have touched second base

Gotta go the whole way, make it a sure thing
Don’t leave, don’t leave nothing to chance

Pennant ends tied ‘tween the Giants and the Cubs
Merkle should have touched second base
They play one game with the season on the line
Merkle should have touched second base
Chicago wins, Merkle doesn’t even play
Merkle should have touched second base
And all he hears til the end of his days is
Merkle should have touched second base

Gotta go the whole way, make it a sure thing
Don’t leave, don’t leave nothing to chance

Sometimes I think about it when I’m all alone
Merkle should have touched second base
When I’m walkin' round home and it’s late at night
Merkle should have touched second base
And I don’t feel right and I just can’t sleep
Merkle should have touched second base
And I can’t keep the dark from pourin’ out
Merkle should have touched second base

Gotta go the whole way, make it a sure thing....

Hitler would have never invaded Poland
Merkle should have touched second base
Monica Lewinsky woulda married Dan Quayle
Merkle should have touched second base
My mother and my dad woulda raised me as a wolf
Merkle should have touched second base
Godot woulda shown up in the second act
Merkle should have touched second base

Gotta go the whole way, make it a sure thing
Don’t leave, don’t leave nothing to chance
Track Name: The Year-By-Year Home Runs Totals of Barry Bonds
This is the year-by-year home run totals of the great Barry Bonds
This is the year-by-year home run totals of the great Barry Bonds
In 1986, he hit 16 home runs
Then 25, 24, 19, 33
25, 34, 46, 37, 33, 42, 40
37, 34 and 49
73, 46, 45, 45,
5, 26, 28

This is the year-by-year home run totals of the great Barry Bonds
This is the year-by-year home run totals of the great Barry Bonds
He won the MVP in 1990, 1992 and ’93
And ’01 and ’02 and ’03 and ’04

This is the year-by-year home run totals of the great Barry Bonds
This is the year-by-year home run totals of the great Barry Bonds
In 1986, he hit 16 home runs
Then 25, 24, 19, 33
25, 34, 46, 37, 33, 42, 40
37, 34 and 49
73, 46, 45, 45,
5, 26, 28

This is the year-by-year home run totals of the great Barry Bonds
This is the year-by-year home run totals of the great Barry Bonds
Track Name: Lou Gehrig's Disease
First it was Pluto, the furthest, coldest planet
They said it’s not a planet after all
Then suddenly a dollar wasn’t worth a dollar
And banks too big to fail began to fall
All of this and more, I could accept—that’s how things go
But now I’m down here begging, on my knees
‘Cause now they’re trying to tell us
Lou Gehrig didn’t die
Of Lou Gehrig’s Disease

You all remember Lou, they Yankee slugger who
Along with Babe Ruth made the Bronx bombers go
Ruth he batted third, Gehrig batted fourth
A little thing called Murderer’s Row
Change history, make it new, Lindbergh sailed the ocean blue
But don’t tear down my idols please
Don’t say Lou Gehrig didn’t die

Never be another Gehrig
Never be another Ruth
All the modern sluggers
Got there on the juice
Ripken broke the Iron Horse’s streak
But Ripken didn’t have his own disease….
Whose disease is it, whose disease was it
If you didn’t catch it, if you did not contract it
Jim Bob Jorgensen’s Disease?
Flora Richardson’s Disease
Chan-Ho’s Disease?
Muhammad Braznakar’s Disease
Whose Disease Was It?

Next they’ll be sayin Grant isn’t buried
In Grant’s tomb—nope—guy named Pettit
The White House isn’t white, Red Square isn’t red
And the Alamo—forget it
Mondale, he beat Reagan, Nixon, he beat Kennedy
And Lassie—well Lassie had fleas
If Lou Gehrig didn’t die
Of Lou Gehrig’s Disease
Track Name: Joyce and Gallarraga
Joyce and Gallarraga, Joyce and Gallarraga, Joyce and Gallarraga, Perfect game—No!
Joyce and Gallarraga, Joyce and Gallarraga, Joyce and Gallarraga, Perfect game—No!

26 men up, 26 men down
Gallarraga with the game of his career
The 27th—Yes!
But Joyce he blew the call
Now go and drown your sorrows for a year (for ten years)

Joyce and Gallarraga, Joyce and Gallarraga, Joyce and Gallarraga, Perfect game—No!
Joyce and Gallarraga, Joyce and Gallarraga, Joyce and Gallarraga, Perfect game—No!

The umpire saw the tape, saw what he had done
He broke down and he cried said I’m to blame (just kill me)
The pitcher said forget it, and gave the ump a hug
It’s just my one and only perfect game
Just my one and only perfect game

This could have been history
This should have been a perfect day
Now it’s only the very best
Argument for instant replay (instant replay)

Joyce and Gallarraga, Joyce and Gallarraga, Joyce and Gallarraga, Perfect game—No!
Joyce and Gallarraga, Joyce and Gallarraga, Joyce and Gallarraga, Perfect game—No!
Track Name: Come Back Andy Pettitte
We’re gonna miss him, we’re gonna miss him, Joe Girardi said it
Come back Andy, come back Andy, come back Andy Pettitte

Sabathia, Nova, Hughes, Burnett and Garcia ain’t a gonna get it
Come back Andy, come back Andy, come back Andy Pettitte


Is the staff as good as Lester Lackey Bucholz Beckett Matsuzaka,
I doubt it
Can the bullpen hold a lead, get the game to Mariano,
Fuggeddaboutit

February 4 was a dark day when in the daily news I read it
Come back Andy, come back Andy, come back Andy Pettitte
Track Name: Sunday Never Comes
Zambrano was your horse
Zambrano was your train
Zambrano who you brought in
To get the job done
But Piniella yanked Zambrano
Tied at one after six
And the next guy got lit up
And you’ve lost Game One

Piniella later said
Gonna need him Sunday
Gonna need Zambrano
This was only Game One
But that one got away
And the couple after that
And sometimes, sometimes
Sunday never –

Sometimes Sunday never comes
Sometimes Sunday never comes
Sometimes life is a five-game series
And Sunday never comes

The Cubs is done
For another long winter
Zambrano can pack his
Elbow in ice
Piniella yanked Zambrano
Zambrano is done, and
Sometimes, sometimes
Sunday never –

Sometimes Sunday never comes
Sometimes Sunday never comes
Sometimes life is a five-game series
And Sunday never comes
Track Name: Rincon
From my second story window
I look down on Rincon
Up the coast of California
Where I’ve come looking for the great
Barry Bonds one final summer
His health has broken down
So I’ve forsaken San Francisco
And I’ve heard that Bonds might be here
Seeking non-traditional medicine
But I see nothing but the craps games
From my second story window
In Rincon where I’ve come looking for Bonds

And from my second story window
I see the mayor in his chambers
Signing execution papers
For the prisoners of conscience
And the women throw bananas
In the street and moments later
They are grey and flat and lifeless
Beyond all recognition
Oh some say the most powerful
Force on earth is water
But from my second story window
It seems to be the cars

And Christopher Columbus
Come looking for the spice isles, and
Montezuma
Come looking for the gold, and
Charlie Chaplin
Come looking for the silver screen,
I come looking for Bonds
Bonds come looking for the cure
Magic cure

And the fishermen go out
To return again at dusk
And they love the constant rain
The fish jump into their nets
But I am not a fisherman
And to me the rain can only
Keep Bonds inside his window
If he’s even in Rincon, of which I’m
More and more uncertain
‘Specially with this rain
And the news reports each hour
He’s being tested in Los Angeles,

And I found my friends
Just when I doubted myself most
They took me on a walk along the cinnamon
And they said this rain
This rain can’t last forever
People will walk around not just the fishermen

And from my second story window
The fog enfolds the fishermen
Like ghosts along the harbor
As their boats go out to sea
And my eyes alert but softly
As I stand inside my window
I will not miss the moment
If Bonds should pass below me

And Christopher Columbus
Come looking for the spice isles, and
Montezuma
Come looking for the gold, and
Charlie Chaplin
Come looking for the silver screen,
I come looking for Bonds
Bonds come looking for the cure
Magic cure
Track Name: When My Buckner Moment Comes
I used to mime the Doc, throwing K’s up on the hill
But coach put me at first base, I tried my best but still
I couldn’t hit the curve ball, I was second string at best
It would take a miracle to get called off the bench

Left New York for California, fell for the first girl that I met
She gave me a new season, one I hadn’t seen as yet
I still followed all the ball scores, down to every single game
I’ve forgotten all the players but I can’t forget her name

Every game don’t roll your way
I get down on my knees and pray
That it won’t be in the Series
Underneath October drums
When my Buckner moment comes
When my Buckner moment comes

Let it be then in the springtime
When the gulf waters run still
Let the cameras not be rolling
Let the grandstand not be filled

The bar lights soft and hazy and it takes me off the street
It’s nice to know a language I don’t ever have to speak
My bases are loaded and the count is three and two
I’ll look up at the sky, where to go, what to do

Every game don’t roll your way
I get down on my knees and pray
That it won’t be in the Series
Underneath October drums
When my Buckner moment comes
When my Buckner moment comes
Track Name: The Sun Shines on McCovey Cove
Six inches either way they say
McCovey’s shot gets thru
And the Giants win it all in ’62
In ’89 the ground it shook
Cars and homes were tossed
And oh, by the way, the games were lost

2002 the roof fell in
Just waiting on the brink
We cried until we filled
The kitchen sink with tears
2010 we reached the Promised Land
The Golden Road
And the Sun Shines on McCovey Cove

Pitch to Barry, Fear the Beard
Let Timmy Smoke
Humm Babe, Pacific Sock Exchange
Hit that Bottle of Coke
For the dreams that westward drove
For F.P. Santangelo
The Sun Shines on McCovey Cove

Willie, Speier, Barry, Bobby
Reuschel, Marichal, Dick Dietz
Montefusco, Alvin Dark
Cepeda sliding cleats up
Fillmore to the Golden Gate
Down Market St they rode
As the Sun Shines on McCovey Cove

Torrealba, Perry, Speier, Kuiper, Jim Ray Hart
Krukow, Woody, Clark and Williams, Mitchell
Late nights on the BART
Roger Craig and Charlie Fox
Herman Franks, Bruce Bochy
As the Sun Shines on McCovey Cove

Torres, Sanchez, Posey, Ross,
Huff, Burrell, Sandoval
Rowand, Renteria
Bumgarner, Cain and all
Uribe, Wilson, Lincecum
To history they drove
As the Sun Shines on McCovey Cove
Track Name: 42
When Jackie Robinson slapped that uniform on
When Jackie Robinson pulled that jersey on
His eye was clear
His voice rang true
And the number on his back was 42

Born in Georgia
Played in the Negro Leagues
Switched to army green
In the big war overseas
Then the Big Leagues come a callin’
Said Mr. Robinson pull this on
And the number on his back was 42

42
42
Number on his back was 42
42
42
Number on his back was 42

When Jackie Robinson hung that uniform up
When Jackie Robinson lay that jersey down
His eye was clear
His voice was true
And the number on his back was 42

Born in Georgia
Played in the Negro Leagues
Switched to army green
In the big war overseas
Then the Big Leagues come a callin’
Said Mr. Robinson pull this on
And the number on his back was 42

42
42
Number on his back was 42
42
42
He wore Dodger blue
And every color of the rainbow too
42
Track Name: Love, War and a Baseball Game
I decided to go to the ballgame today
So I jump in the car and get on the freeway
But the night’s real hot and the traffic slow
Catch the first three innings on the radio
Miss five grand slams, well ain’t that a shame
All’s fair in love and war and a baseball game

Comin’ out to the game was such a fine thing to do
That 50,000 other people thought so too
So I find me a scalper, who can’t be beat
Twenty bucks for a front row gold box seat
But the usher says sorry, that’s for yesterday’s game
All’s fair in love and war and a baseball game

So I bribe my way in, and I’m glad I’ve been patient
I can almost see the field, with some imagination
I drove thru the south side after dark
For a view of the roof of Comiskey Park
The guy next to me thought he caught me lookin’ at his dame
So he punched me—that’s fair, at the baseball game

A hot dog, some peanuts and a beer or two
The most balanced meal I ever knew
Then some guys says “all right, lemme hear ya now!”
And everyone stretches, knockin’ over my chow
I almost get thrown out for spillin’ beer on a Frain (that’s the usher)
All’s fair in love and war and a baseball game

Well by the time I’m able to turn my attention
To the players on the field, whom I’ve hardly mentioned
I ask my neighbor what’s happened, I missed the last play
He turns to me and says rain delay
I wait four hours just to hear the umpire say
That’s it, go home, no more baseball game

Took me five hours getting the old car back home
Without gas, but with newly dented chrome
Jump in bed, and I turn out the light
Dream of scalpers and bad bleacher seats all night
I needed plenty of rest, so I could take the same
Trip the very next night, to the baseball game

See you can spill my beer, or call me dumb
Give me the worst seat in the stadium
Hit me on the head with a batted ball
But don’t take away my Bill Buckner doll
Call me crazy take down my name
All’s fair in love and war and a baseball game